Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the things right, when I think I "believe" in myself.
Then everything breaks down and I feel like someone take out my heart from my body and stabs it, again and again.
This sentiments starts when I talk with my parents. When they tell me things like:
"Stop making like you are drawing and do something with your life."
"This is not a game, this is the real life."
"All you have done don't means nothing, is useless"
And things like that... Then I doubt about my future, about what I'm doing.
All the things I do are wrong? What if I can't live making art? Why I can't work drawing? Why everything is going wrong with me?
Inspiration is crashing, my enthusiasm is falling, I just can't go out of my bedroom and go to class or street... I want to do some projects, fantastic projects about comics, character designs or work in a little groups of people than said me I can and they want me to work with they. But something inside me don't want, make me doubt, make me cry and reminds me the words of other people.
The worst of all is that ...I believe little parts of the things they tell me, sometimes the good things....always the bad things.
Then a friend from Mexico send me by facebook one video. About depression.
Always I think depression is a strong sentiment that is evident and characteristic if someone sees it from outside. But not always is like that.
Sometimes depression is a subliminal sentiment, don't have to make you cry all the hours of the day, don't have to take off your hunger... Can be like a little parasite, which feeds with your energy.
I can be like "HEEY yo, it's allright! lets go to do something funny!" but I feel like inside I have a black stone. That don't means I don't enjoy anything. I have a good moments but but my mind is full of negative thinking.
I wish I could say that I know what I have to do, believe in myself, in my art, fight for my dreams... but...if they have reason? In other hand...if all I want to do is make art...Why other people can affect me like that? Why I can't have the control of my life?
I will be working hard but I never can see the trumph in my future.
Thanks for read this, and sorry for my english, I try my best.